What Healing Really Looks Like (Spoiler: It’s Not Linear)

Since I've had this blog in its various iterations, I talk a lot about healing and my "healing journey" but never really discuss what that means. It definitely means different things to different people. Healing is one of those words we hear a lot, but rarely stop to unpack. For me, it’s been messy, unexpected, and often not what I thought it would be.

I figured I'd start with a short list of things that we shouldn't expect in a healing journey. I didn't have this list when I started so it was a lot of trial and error.

-- Healing is not linear

There are twists, turns, jogs, triggers and relapses. Whatever you're going through just expect setbacks. For me, they often would sneak up and suddenly I'm like how did I get this far off course? In these cases the important thing is not to beat yourself up, but to course correct and move forward. Dwelling on or being hard on yourself for a bad day or days isn't going to improve your situation. Address it and onward.

--Healing is not the same for everyone

Everyone experiences trauma differently and everyone's experience is different. Comparing your baggage to someone elses is counter productive. That goes for holding someone else to your standard of where you think they should be. Or even being too hard on yourself for not being further advanced. Your experience and your journey and healing is all your own. Allow yourself to go at the pace needed to get through each step.

--Healing is not a final destination

This doesn't mean we won't ever be "healed". The fact is, I'm not completely sure what that looks like. For me and most people, it really is a journey. There are different phases, each phase may take different lengths of time. Sometimes we may have to go back and redo a phase. We may even have to take a break from our own journey to deal with something else life threw at us. Don't pressure yourself if you haven't reached "the end." when in a lot of cases, there isn't an ending. Just leveling up to the next phase.

For me, creating this blog and being as raw and real as I have been has been a major step. So was tapering off my medications. This was after being pretty much in the same spot for almost two years. I made a lot of progress early on in the journey but then I kind of got stuck. Fact is, I was comfortable there, but you reach a point when you're tired of going in circles and ready to move on with it. Maybe it would have been better to have someone there to kick me in the ass. But I likely would have just shut down. I had to take these steps when I was ready. I don't know what the next steps are for me, but I'm excited to see where this goes.

A Personal Reflection

I've talked about how my process started in this blog. For me, after my crisis many years ago, I kind of shut down and sat still for awhile. I deleted all of my social media, turned off my phone and did get into therapy. But a lot of the first couple months was just sorting through the most recent crisis and what had happened. My first mistake starting out was after a few weeks, thinking I could just pick back up with my old work and old hobbies and go on about my business.

The fact is I was trying to rush the process. I had been through a few therapy sessions and had been on medication for a month or two so I though I was all better. I had no idea I was just getting started. I was just anxious to move on with my life as if nothing had happened, but the Universe had other ideas. The truth was, I was stuffing too many things down. Some things are pretty traumatic and don't bear revisiting, but others I needed to look at head on and deal with and I was just avoiding. It took me a few years, but this blog has been a big part of that process.

What Healing Really Looks Like

--Progress can look messy. I know you see a lot of influencers, new age gurus and self help videos talking about how clean and peaceful healing is. I even went through this phase early on. The fact is, it is messy. One thing I wasn't ready for was losing so many friends in the process. The people I had surrounded myself with only knew the unhealed me. As I started to change and develop into the person I was becoming, people around me began to drift off.

One person said they had no idea who I was any more. I was no longer loud, obscene and edgy. My social media content and interactions had grown more wholesome. I even stopped liking some of the more violent horror movies I used to really be into. I still like horror, but genrally lighter stuff.

I even changed my name on social media. The name Eric Ravenwolf isn't my birth name. My birth name is kind of boring and there are a LOT of people with that same name. For one, I felt it was very tied to my past and not just hurtful events that had happened, but the unhealed version of me. I was also in the midst of my witchy journey which has also been a big part of my healing. This is where it gets weird.

I had been communicating with a Celtic deity known as The Morrigan. and I had begun seeing more signs, crows, and hawks especially. I saw a hawk swoop down and snatch up a crow and fly away one day. That had a major impact on me. I read some meanings and it had a lot of interpretations, all related to overcoming yourself and your enemies. My close friends and family still call me by my legal name. I toyed with the idea of changing it a few times, but that would be a lot of headache I'm not ready for. But a lot of days, Eric is the person I am becoming.

A big revelation I had just had myself is for years I thought the people who had dumped me years ago or even turned on me when I got really bad were my enemies. Fact is, I was my own worst enemy. Once I stopped carying what anyone else thought or said or did, then I could truly start to love myself. I wish it hadn't taken me five years to reach that point, but better late than never.

--Slipping back doesn't erase growth. There is this mindset in wellness and new agey communities that if you make years of progress, but then have a relapse, misstep or a bad day, that you have to go start all over at square one and you are no better off than you were when you first started. Nothing could be further from the truth. There have been times I got manic and maybe thought or acted in a way that wasn't healthy. The kicker here was, I caught myself almost immediately.

Instead of being like "oh well this is just what it is," and wallowing in the thrill of dopamine and risk taking behavior. I pump the brakes and like "wait a minute, this is not the way." I usually do a short meditation saying my mantras and affirmations. For me this clears my head and puts me on a mental reset and I focus on my path.

--Healing is as much about compassion for yourself as it is moving forward.

Now, its taken some rewiring to get over the Christian guilt and self shaming and loathing. I've had some pretty big mess ups due to executive dysfunction or letting my mania get out of whack and the guilt spiral would start with hitting myself and cursing myself. This is really hard to pull out of but a path I can not let myself enertain for any length of time. Once again, I usually have to let myself shut down and do a reset. Usually for a few hours.

Sometimes I have to close my eyes and maybe even fall asleep so my brain can reboot itself, then I wake up and can take useful action and not just be in a negative spiral. As time goes on and as my healing and coping skills improve, that whole process happens less frequently and for shorter periods of time. But the fact is, none of those spirals or screw ups erased my current progress. I still wasn't the person I was when things first blew up and I have a toolbox of things I can do to pick up where I left off.

That is the key, dusting yourself off and going forward. Even if you have to pause and reset for a few hours or even days. Just make sure you know when to start forward progress again.

A Loving Reminder

Your path won't look like mine. Mine barely looks like mine some days. Its like drawing or painting, we may have the same tools but different styles and our canvases will be different. So, remember comparison is the enemy in the healing journey.

Also, your path likely won't be linear. You may get off track, get distracted or even stay in one place for a year or more. That's perfectly ok. There will be people along the way trying to sell you magical snake oil to rush you through the process. Don't fall for it. There is no magic potion or secret formula to help you through it.

You just have to do your own shadow work and face your own demons. Its ugly and scary but highly rewarding once you can break through it. There will also be people telling you you're doing it wrong. You will lose friends and even some family will wonder what is the deal with you. People pleasing was a major part of my trauma and one of the biggest things I'm having the hardest time with. I've found when you stop trying to please people you thought were friends and set boundaries, they usually don't take it so well. It can be jarring and even hurtful, but you soon realize these folks only ever cared about what you could do for them.

Once you are further along in the healing process, you start to understand what a healthy friendship looks like. You start to surround yourself with positive people with mutual respect. There may be fewer of them, but its a stronger circle. Quality definitely surpasses quantity when it comes to who your friends are.

Through it all, you need to be your own best friend. That has been maybe the hardest part for me is getting used to solitude. Getting used to being there for myself as well as showing up for myself for big milestones and events without blowing it all up. Sometimes its terrifying, but always worth it once I power through.

Ultimately the biggest part of healing for me is learning to drown out all the other outside noise, criticism and opinions. Even the need for validation. All of that is exterior and not a part of you. You are the only one whose opinion of you matters.

The great philisopher Taylor Swift once said, "You are not the opinion of someone who doesn't know you." And she's right. Live your life, walk your path and heal. You'll love yourself for it.