The Painted Mind

I did the above painting today and am quite proud of it. One of my more intense looking abstract pieces I think. Abstract art works really well for me and my style is always changing and evolving. I try to do some regular drawing sometimes, but even when I draw people or shapes it comes out messy and cartoonish. Instead of fighting against this, I've learned to lean into it.

I do want to improve and get better eventually so I keep practicing, but I've also come to the conclusion I will never be a detailed portrait artist. I'm just too messy. But this tracks because my mind is messy. Yesterday I took a self assessment online to see if I'm on the autistic spectrum. It came back saying inconclusive at 50% possibility.

But one question jumped out at me: "Do you look at fine details or focus on the big picture." I have a difficult time thinking of details or focusing on details be it a photo or reading text or drawing a picture. I always focuse on the main thing that is going on.

I'm not sure what kind of a trait that is, but that has always been me. Sadly I tend to miss details in things or forget to add things when drawing something, but its just how my mind has always been wired. Perfectionism always made me anxious. When I see someone else fussing over fine fine details I get anxious. When doing my legal work, its a struggle for me at times becauese I have to comb through medical documents to find details on illnesses and disability.

Why messy, raw, and unfiltered art can be the most healing

There is just something so freeing about doing messy, and unhinged art. Oddly even then I have an image in my head of how it should look in a way. My wife has wondered what I'm doing at times when it looks like I'm beating on my tablet with the stylus, but I'm usually using a splatter brush or adding weird streaks or something. I try to make my digital paintings look as "real" as possible.

This above piece I did while taking a break from writing this blog. It has clear patterns and things, but but I can never quite paint between the lines without slopping some color in other places. This used to bother me, but now I feel it gives it character. Life is messy and Gods know the world is messy as hell right now. Art can be a bit messy while we're at it. Making things like this is so cathartic, I just make shit up as I go and change colors and patterns as I go and often the final product is nothing like I had previously imagined, but far better.

How vulnerability in art helps break mental health stigmas

Ever since I've been doing art, I've been putting all of myself into it. Sometimes it comes easy, others I have to dig deep and really push to make something creative happen. The same with this blog. For awhile I was doing raw poetry and including it with my paintings. That turned into this blog to go with my art. For a long time I was afraid of putting myself out there and afraid of being vulnerable, but that doesn't help me or anyone.

A lot of people suffer in silence because of stigmas around mental illness. Even now, in the year of our Lord 2025 I see people regularly mocking and ridiculing anyone with any mental illness or condition. We need to do better. But then again, our society tends to loathe people with any kind of illness or disability seeing it as some form of moral failing or general weakness.

Putting all of yourself into your art, no matter what medium that is, can break down this stigma a little at a time. Though some days it feels like we have a long long way to go. In the past people had weaponized my illness againt me, so I was reluctant to talk about it at all. Now, I just don't care. I'm too old to care honestly and people who talk the most trash generally are hiding the most things. So I let them expose themselves through their own ignorance.

Embracing mistakes as part of the artistic process.

This is an all out life lesson. Not only does this apply in art but in the real world. Gods know I have my share of fuck ups. I feel like I'm a perpetual screw up most days. I remember when we moved into our house a few years ago, I was alone with the movers as they unloaded the truck and I was terrified I was going to screw something up as far as where things go and getting the house set back up. Turns out I did fine, but I mess up enough I legit scare myself some days.

That's not even talking about my mental health and executive dysfunction which is a real pain in the ass some days. Nothing is worse than feeling like you're not in control of your own thoughts or actions. This is where my medication comes in and my therapy and coping mechanisms. It doesn't always work but I don't always mess up at the same rate. In the end, all I can do is learn from it and work to be better

The same applies with art. I look at my older work that I thought was so good at the time and just cringe at how awful it is. But each piece is a lesson, A lesson to take all of those tiny mistakes and change my process in how I fix them going forward. The result is my art looks like years better now.

In my legal work the other day I got some ugly feedback from one law firm not happy with my documents. I realized I was hurrying too fast and not taking my time to focus on those details I mentioned earlier I tend to miss. So I requested a smaller work load which means less money for me, but I hope to slow down and do these the right way to where they benefit everyone involved. I was deepy frustrated and beat myself up at first, but then realized I need to learn from this and improve going forward.

Life, just like art, is full of mistakes, spills and stray marks. Its what we do with it that matters. We can say that all of our lives are abstract collections of splatters, smears, streaks and various brush strokes some intentional, some accidental but all of them make up who we are. All of this is a part of being an artist or creator and part of the painted mind.