The Next Steps in Tapering off of My Medication

This started about fifteen days or so ago. Not sure what triggered it, but in doing some reading and research and talking to my therapist, we decided a couple things.

One, years ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, earlier this year autism spectrum. I think the autism is likely correct, but the bipolar I'm not too sure on. I've been through a lot of traumatic events in my life and CPTSD often mirrors symptoms of bipolar.

I remember about ten years ago I had a LOT of pent up anger and unresolved rage and various things I'd held it. I realize now it was unprocessed trauma. My whole life I had just been stuffing it. So it ended up coming out in a string of unhealthy ways and vices. Some of which were hurtful to others and my family.

Over the last five or six years, I've been on some pretty strong medications while I went through therapy, and began my spiritual journey as well as journaling, meditation and such. I had kind of gotten away from the meditation for awhile, but when I talked to my therapist we decided to taper me off my meds a little at a time.

As I do so, I meditate for 10-15 minutes daily saying positive affirmations to myself. You see, despite all my healing, positive self talk is something I always struggled with. When I make a mistake or upset someone the first thing I do is curse myself, call myself stupid and in extreme cases will hit myself in the head or face. Not healthy I know. Looking back, I think a lot of bad luck and bad breaks I've had over the years had to do with a combination of self sabotage and self cursing. I just could not picture things going right for me so I'd assume it was all going to fall apart before I was even out of the gate.

I've mentioned this in previous blogs, but words are spells. Words have power. What we say we can manifest. This is a big reason I think I ended up going around in circles in my life. Because I'd make some progress then just go on and curse myself with my words or negative actions. I have a long history of self-sabotage that goes back to childhood and culminated in an ugly blow up around 2020.

I've come a long way since then, and my medication slows me down, makes me tired and some days heavy brain fog and depression. So, I've been tapering off slowly. I started out stopping my Straterra and cutting my 5mg Abilify in half and only taking 75mg of my Effexor. I did that for about twelve days or so. Today I continued the 75mg of the Effexor and stopped the Abilify completely.

Oh, I take Wegovy one day a week and about 15 mg of phentermine for weight loss, still taking those for now. Anyway, so today I've mostly felt pretty good. A little off at times with maybe some brain zaps. I had read some "rebound" they call it is expected for a day or two after stopping the abilify but I think I went long enough on the lower doses to be ok. Yes, I check in with my doctor and therapist, but they kind of leave it up to me as how I adjust things based on how I'm feeling.

I've stepped up my meditation, I make sure to do that daily with my positive mantras and affirmations. My goal here is to rewire my brain. Instead of being accustomed to failure and despair I'm reprogramming myself for positivity and success. Its not easy but definitely worth the effort.

The medication helped me a lot when needed it. It slowed my brain down, calmed me down and got me stable. But I feel I've reached the time when I need to try and walk on my own and see how I do, now that I'm very mindful of my own feelings, thoughts and interactions. Worst case scenario, I'll go back on something.

Today has been a good day, this is my third blog I finished today, though I'm scheduling some of them ahead, but I also don't feel manic. I feel more creative and like I can think and function again. On the meds, I can think but functioning is a much harder thing. I'd KNOW I had stuff I wanted and needed to do, but just could not push myself or focus enough to do it.

This is all a big improvement minus some of the rebound symptoms I hope go away very soon. Taking it day by day and this blog helps me process things and its a place I can showcase my art that's free of social media algorithms.

I'm not trying to discourage anyone else from their psychiatric medications. Everyone is different and always talk to your providers to see where you are at and what can be done. But you know your mind and body better than anyone.

We'll see how this goes, but it makes me hopeful. I also saw some things I've been dealing with on a financial front, an ordeal that's been hanging over my head for a while looks like its on the brink of being resolved in a positive outcome. So, I feel like my positive meditations and manifestations are working. I just need to keep it going. Consistency is key. In the meantime, I'll keep working on healing and improving. Thank you to all of you for joining me on this journey.