The Freedom (and Fear) of Coming Off Medication

If you've been following my medication journey you'll know I've been tapering off my medication. I was diagnosed with Bipolar in 2020 and then Autism spectrum disorder and possibly CPTSD in 2025. I'd been on the same meds for many years, so I felt it was time I try to lower or come off them entirely. Partly because they always make me so tired. There were days I could barely get out of bed or would randomly fall asleep in the middle of the day for no clear reason.

I gradually reduced my doses over two weeks before stopping Abilify entirely. This part of the taper felt almost no difference at all. The first day, I noticed almost nothing. Over the past few days, I would get bouts of tiredness at strange times and maybe a brain zap or racing thought. Now, in the midst of all this I would do daily meditations. For 10-15 minutes I meditate with my eyes closed and repeat mantras and positive affirmations. It helps a ton. Not sure the medical or science behind it, and I know this won't work for every one. But this is my experience with my brain and body.

Saying positive things to myself as I go through this is extremely important, as on the medication I resign to the fact I'm mentally ill and would be quick to insult myself or put myself down. As I always say, words are spells. What you say has power especially over yourself. So I'm re-wiring my brain not to say and think negative things about myself.

Today is about day four off the Abilify. I was pretty tired first thing this morning, but now I'm feeling a little racy in the head, yet productive. Hence my sitting up to write this blog and its actually coming along very smoothly. When on the full doses, something as simple as typing a paragraph would be almost painful, feeling like my brain was soaking in jell-o. There were times I'd doze off mid sentence at my keyboard. That's if I could get myself to work on anything at all.

Back to how I'm feeling today. Feeling more alert and energetic. I wasn't even sure what I was going to blog about but knew I wanted to blog something, so I sat down and brainstormed some ideas. Yesterday I talked about the broader topic of free speech. Today I kept it more personal. For the most part I plan to keep this blog about personal reflections, or at least how world events affect us from day to day. There are other more skilled artists and writers who can tackle world events on the regular.

I did have some brain zaps this morning. That feeling is hard to describe, but I've gotten them before when lowering or switching medication. I can only describe it like weird shock like impulses in my head through out the day. So far I haven't had any mania. Since my massive break down years ago I'm usualy pretty vigilant about noticing or recognizing mania as that's when I get into the most trouble.

Even on the meds, due to stress or life events there have been times I have had manic episodes that snuck up on me. I have had to course correct to prevent it from happening again. My therapist said having a brief manic episode or act out isn't the worst thing. The key is catching myself and correcting it instead of going off on a manic bender. I still sometimes feel guilt or shame from even feeling that way, but I believe that is throw back guilt from my days growing up Baptist where you could commit "thought crime" which I may blog about itself one day.

I am feeling like I made the right decision in coming off my meds. I just need to make sure I take my time and don't rush the process. I've tried it before and pushed it too fast, and ended up with all kinds of withdrawals and side effects. There still are withdrawal symptoms and the tricky part right now is what is an actual symptom or what is withdrawal or rebound? I just kind of assume for the next month or two I'll be experiencing some rebound. The key for me is to minimize it as much as possible.

One thing I do want to emphasize is I am not against medication or psychiatric meds or anything like that. I'm fully on board with science and medical treatment of all kinds. I just felt where I am at right now, for me, this is something that will be best for me going forward. I've reached a place in my healing journey and my art and attempts at any kind of art and blogging career, I need to experience life off the meds and being fully healed from past trauma. Some days because of the tiredness on the medication, I'd feel depressed and even down on myself. I felt like a wounded dog. Once again, I don't speak for anyone else or anyone's medical situation. Only my own. I felt, and my therapist agreed, this is the next step for me to move forward and into self acceptance and self healing.

I'm excited for whatever happens, and I feel like good things are in store. I just need to stay the course. The temptation is there to get excited and try to come off a medication sooner than I'm ready, but I've resisted. This journey is about freedom, but its also about patience. Trusting myself enough to go slow. This blog has become a much bigger part of my journey than I had expected. I used to write all the time then got burned out and never wanted to write again. But I much prefer writing raw, personal things than telling stories. I feel like this actually helps people and will have some impact. For now, its just one day at a time. Thank you all for joining me on this journey so far and sticking with me.