Self Inflicted Wounds

One issue that is common with bipolar, or mental illness in general is self inflicted wounds or self sabotage. I'm not talking about negative self talk exactly. I'm talking about the oftentimes lack of filter or impulsivity that causes us to say and do the most random things. Many times in the process what happens is we say something or do something that goes too far.

For years in previous jobs or even in school, people would be making jokes about whatever topic it was at the time and I'd end up ending the conversation saying something so far out there that everyone just walks away. Usually I thought I was being cute or funny. It wasn't until I was medicated I realized it was just too much. Like when not medicated I have a tendency to want to be edgy or push limits, but would only end up upsetting people.

I thought it was a them problem, but over time, I realized this problem was happening to me no matter where I went or what I did, so I was the common denominator. You can only blame other people for so long before you have to finally take stock of things and look in the mirrror. Sometimes I am too hard on myself and wonder what the hell is wrong with me, or why can't I get it together. Even being medicated, sometimes I blurt something out I think is funny or clever only to be met with strange looks or silence.

So, one thing being on medication does for me, is on the right dose, it doesn't control me or make me a zombie (Past meds have done this sadly). But it helps me slow my brain down enough to make better choices. When that "funny" thought pops up I can assess it and be like "Is this something I should be saying out loud?" or "How will this make people feel if I put it out into the world?" if neither of those is a positive reaction in my head, then I know not to say it. Its not fool proof, I still screw up a lot, but not as often and not nearly on the scale as in the past.

Then there is the second form of self infliced wounds I play with myself, that is head games. Like headgames with myself. There have been days where people around me just have other things going on, they are upset about some outside factor or stressed about something random, and I just assume in my head they are pissed at me. Sometimes this is so bad I have to take a buspar just to calm myself down.

I run through every imagined scenario in my head as to what they must be thinking about me, if I should ask them if they are upset and what they may say to me and how it will all play out. This was the worst before I was medicated and had a 9 to 5 job. I remember one place, my boss asked to see me in her office later. I immediately felt ill. I was literally dizzy and light headed the next several hours and could barely hold my hands steady. When I finally stopped by her office having played through my head every single thing I could possibly be in trouble for or ready to argue for my job, she hands me a bag and said they got the employees goody bags for Halloween.

I felt immediate relief, but also felt extremely stupid. This wasn't a guilty conscience. Well maybe it was, but when you have bad anxiety you feel guilty about everything. One of the things I annoy my family with is that I apologize for literally everything. I think this has to do with some of my past trauma I won't delve into. But I always feel like I need to keep the peace or somehow soothe everyone around me or something bad might happen. Someone might complain how cold it is outside and I say "I'm sorry." Even though I have no control over the weather. I apologize constantly and over things that have nothing to do with me.

I've talked to my therapist and we've worked on some exercises with it, but it hasn't taken yet. I still do it. I'm not fully sure how to stop doing it if I'm honest. Just one more thing I'm trying to figure out. To put it all together, I've actually apologized for scenarios I thought of in my head for conversations that never happened, but felt bad for being upset over something no one actually said. its a wild and crazy web. Thankfully, this situation is very rare and hasn't happened in a while, but its confusing and crazy some days.

None of this is excuses for bad or over the top behavior. Its a reason but not an excuse, if that makes any sense. Factors can contribute to our behavior but we are still responsible for how those things play out and our actions. Its a narrow tightrope, but its always there for us when we struggle with various illnesses. The most important thing is, when we do mess up, not to crucify ourselves too much over it. Yes, take some time to reflect, but remember we are all human and doing the best we can. Be patient with yourelf and give yourself the same amount of grace you give to everyone else.

That's been my biggest takeway on this journey. Often I'm quick to forgive others faster than myself. But I have to live with myself, so it would be beneficial to forgive myself first and foremost. I do regret friendships and things I lost due to my past issues, and can't blame people for not wanting to stick with me back then. It makes me appreciate those around me even more now and the person I have become and am becoming. The biggest thing I learned is that healing and growth don't have an end date. We are always evolving and growing. It just takes maintaining that self awareness to continue to do the work. Its never too late to start, and you're never too far gone. That's something we tell ourselves, but truth is, you are worth it.