Passing out at the Library

Classy, I know. Wasn't really passing out. More like nodding off. See, there is a backstory to all this. Last night our internet went out. Not sure what happened. A breaker popped and when it came back up our router wouldn't start back up. I did trouble shooting with At&T and they said the router was fried so a new one is arriving tomorrow morning. In the meantime we use our phone hotspots or come to the library.

We opted for the library for change of scenery. Its nice and quiet here and they have comfortable chairs. Just with my medication, even though I took it last night, it makes me sleepy all the time. Well not ALL the time. Its weird because its time -released so it comes in waves. I'll be fine for a few hours, then suddenly start nodding off.

I was sitting here working on my legal work and dozed off right at my laptop. I'm glad no one noticed me or at least didn't say anything. I was only down a couple minutes maybe when I woke up and was able to finish. This is a daily thing I fight with. Recently I tried to cut back on my medications, but that just made me manic and anxious. So that wasn't useful either.

Medication and Exhaustion

Years ago I took Seroquel and that stuff, let me tell you I was like narcoleptic. I would fall asleep in the middle of a conversation before I even knew I was tired. Having a combo of Bipolar and autism with manic episodes and panic attacks, I have to be on things that will slow me down. They moved me off Seroquel and onto Abilify and Effexor. They both work great, though I tried to wean off effexor once and ended up just having crying fits due to withdrawals.

So the stuff that has to slow me down also makes me sleepy. Some days its worse than others. The current meds aren't nearly as bad as the Seroquel was, but I still get very very drowsy at times. Its hard to chart when it will happen because its so spotty. I will say late in the afternoon and evening times are my most alert and functional times. Mornings, forget it. I don't know why we need all these side effects. Why can't you get a side effect like rapid weight loss and spotaneous orgasms? Just a thought.

Medication exhaustion is a distinct feeling that is hard to describe. I call it "Head tiredness" where my body is fine, but my brain just feels under water and my eyes get inexplicably heavy and all I want to do is close them no matter how much I fight it. Its incredibly frustrating and usually hits at the worst possible times.

How It Affects Daily Life

This is a real thing and its draining and highly frustrating. Its hours later since I started this blog after a break and I'm still really tired. Productivity does suffer, a lot. That's why I can only do a few of my legal documents for work a week. I'm usually too tired and not functional enough of the day to be able to do them. Same with art and blogging, I have to pick times of the day I can function and actually put out something that is quality and coherent.

I don't even think I could ever work a "Real" job because of this. Not sure they'd let me conk out in the middle of a shift. It can sneak up on you at the worst times. Like in public while you're working at the library. While you're driving or right in the middle of a project. There is no set time or rhyme or reason as to when or why it hits. Just when it does, you are quickly at the fatigue's mercy. Yet in our capitalist society you are expected to be productive and contribute as much as anyone else.

The guilt is the worst part. Feeling like shit over feeling like shit. You want to do more things, you want to be more productive and do more activities with more people. You're just too tired and too burned out to feel up to it a lot of time. People who don't understand then judge you and resent you for it. Then you feel like a worthless slug, over something you can't help. It sucks.

The Impact on Creativity and Art

Art takes concentration and focus. When you are tired and sleepy this is harder. For me, sometimes I do a simple abstract drawing just to try and wake my brain up. Sometimes it helps, a lot of times it doesn't. But either way, just getting into the mindset to create can feel so overwhelming when you're so tired from medication.

Some days creating feels completely impossible. Everything does. Just going to the bathroom may feel like a big chore. Those days its ok to rest and take a breather and let yourself recharge. Or at least go at a slower pace. Whatever it takes to let the mind rest.

Sometimes the struggle can become apart of the creative process. Like writing this blog about medication exhaustion after I fell asleep at the library.

The Bigger Picture

Medication fatigue is something many people experience but is rarely talked about. We need to normalize having these discussions. You're not lazy or stupid or a bum. You have a medical condition and fatigue is a side effect of the treatment for that condition.

Sometimes its ok to talk to your doctor about finding that balance between the fatigue and managing your mental health. Maybe a lower dose will help, or a different med. In my case I just kind of have to figure out a way to deal with it and its on going. I try to move around more during the day, that often helps. Sometimes a sugary treat, a small one will help kick me out of it. Just find whatever works to keep going as best you can.

Once we start talking about this, the more likely we are to find solutions and ways for each other to cope with this condition and move forward in ways that make us happy.

Its important to remember, we need our medications. Stopping may make us feel good for a bit, but in the end we'll be much worse off. Find that  balance as best you can and be as productive as your mind and body allows, but of all things; Don't give up.