One Month into Tapering off Medications: Things are getting rough

I promised you all I would be real with you, so I'm sticking to that. I've been off of Abilify for about a week. Everything seems fine there. I did reduce my dosage in Effexor by half again, after several weeks at the previous dosage.

First couple days was fine. Today I'm feeling it. I knew going in that Effexor is notoriously hard to come off of. I woke up having wild brain zaps, which is hard to describe. They are pretty much what it says it is. It feels like weird electric shocks throughout your brain. It makes things hard to focus and just all around not a fun feeling. My stomach is also doing some flip flops today. I don't know if that is from the medication or something else, but its new whatever it is.

I went as long as I could trying to tough it out today, so I went ahead and took another small dose of Effexor to try and level my head out. I had read one effective way of tapering is to take the lower doses every other day for a few weeks, before reducing daily.

I will just say, while this medication saved my life at a crucial time. But it is SO hard to come off of. When they added the other medications over the years, the only reason my doctor didn't take me off of this is because its such a bitch to withdraw from. So, I'm going to do my best to fight through this however I can to finally be off these medications. I may still need something at some point. I may need to go back on a few at a low dose, but for now, I want to make it through this and see how I do.

Why Am I Tapering?

In case you're new to my blog, you may have no idea why I am doing this to myself. I was dignosed around 2020 with Bipolar disorder after a major crisis. Things had build up in a bad way for a long time, then I just crashed out. All my symptoms seemed to match that of bipolar, plus we needed to just bring me back down to earth. So my doctor put me on a few different medications. There was some trial and error to determine the best fit.

I've been pretty stable since then, with a bad day here and there which is to be expected. Earlier this year in working with my therapist, it appears I'm on the Autism spectrum and also have CPTSD (Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from a combindation of childhood trauma and varying adult awful things I've been through. Those symptoms often mirror that of bipolar.

Mix that in with my meds giving me constant brain fog, recently it had been really bad. Though over the years, I was just tired all the time. Varying levels. Some doses all I did was sleep all day. Lower doses I didn't sleep as much but was still tired. Either way its frustrating. I have things I need to do. I have my paralegal work I do from home. I draw, I blog. I can't do any of those things if my brain feels like its been put through a blender.

So after talking to my therapist, we decided to taper me off and find out if I can function off the meds completely, or at least a bare minimum dose to eliminate that fog and fatigue. The first few weeks it went surprisingly well. I was starting to get concerned that I hadn't had any side effects or mania. So, I guess I shouldn't be shocked when the brain zaps did hit. Not shocked, but disappointed. I wanted this to be as painless as possible.

This was important to me for other reasons besides the brain fog. I've been on this healing journey for a long time and have been pretty public about a lot of it. Most recenly on this blog is the most public and honest I've been. I just felt like I had reached a point in my creativity and the steps my blogging and art career (I make no money at either btw) was going in circles.

I kept trying different things but nothing worked no matter what I did. I think I was holding myself back. Declaring to myself I was sick and there was only so much I could do without actually pushing my capabilities I was limiting myself. The medication was very useful to me for a time, but now it had become like a crutch. (Note, I speak only for myself and my own situation.) I needed to shed the meds, and try and walk on my own to see what doors in my mind it opened and how I can function without them.

It has mostly been good. I feel more like my old self again, before the medication and before the crash out. I feel more engaged when I talk to people and when I got to do art or blog, it doesn't feel like I'm laboring so hard just to get a a few words out. I still get the occasional tired spell or grogginess. Once again, I think that is part of the withdrawal. So it will take a month or so to overcome all of that, but I feel like I'm on the right track. I also feel like this blog is the next step in my art and creative journey.

I'll keep you all posted on my progress and how this taper down/withdrawal goes. I feel a little wonky even as I write this, but wanted to give you guys an update. I know some of you may be going through similar things, so I plan to keep sharing my ups and downs. Hopefully it can help you in your own mental health journey, even to know that you're not alone.

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