Mental Health and Therapy Thoughts

Good morning everyone! I actually woke up at a normal time today. Not sure why some days I sleep until seven or eight and other days up up at three or four. At 51 I've kind of stopped trying to figure some things out and just roll with it.

Something I never discussed was the mental health breakdown I had last weekend. It was partly my own fault. I won't go into gory details. I'll just say I ignored some of my triggers and ended up going out of pocket on some things I should have stepped back from. It caused some problems and after recalibrating off social media for a few days and talking to my therapist. We also made a slight increase to my medication, I seem to be doing much better

I learned from it and this blog was born out of all that. Not only does it act as kind of a journal, but it helps to hold me accountable. So it wasn't all bad, but I was really frustrated because I had been so stable for so long. But that's the thing with Bipolar or mental illness in general. Its a marathon and not a sprint. There are going to be uphill days or days you seem to relapse into old and shitty behaviors. The key is realizing it and taking the proper steps without beating yourself up.

Beating myself up is something I'm far too good at. Positive self talk is something I seriously need to work on. Growing up I had an older brother who would regularly tell me what a stupid loser I was. It sounds like sibling stuff, but for me those things stuck in my head since I was a kid. I grew up thinking I was never ever good enough. Plus I was always the weird, goofy kid in school so got made fun of a lot in school. I didn't know back then I was different.

So I spent most my life trying to conform, thinking something was wrong with me. I wasn't diagnosed until around 2020 after a major crash and blow up. Once I was, I was actually relieved, because looking back through my wlife it explained a ton of things. Makes me wonder how different things might have been had I been medicated years ago. Thena again, I feel I'm currently in the exact place I need to be  and those things made me the person I am today.

I try not to look back too much. A lot of times because its just embarassing, but mainly it does no good. I can't change anything in my past. So thinking about it and lamenting doesn't help anything. The best I can do is learn from it and strive to be the best person I can going forward. I think I'm doing that. At least I'm doing my best at striving for that.

I remember many years ago working in law enforcement as a corrections officer in the early 2000s. I worked for the Sheriff's department and I don't know if things have changed but they didn't even allow mental illness. If it came out you were on medication, especially bipolar they'd let you go or put you on a desk. I get it to a degree, but it was a highly stressful job and no telling how many officers were actively working with PTSD or anxiety untreated and not getting help for fear of losing their jobs.

Kind of scary when you think about it. That's a big reason I started this blog is to get rid of stigma and maybe help someone who has been thinking of reaching out because something feels off, but they are afraid to. Even now in 2025 there still is some stigma, a lot more than their probably should be, but it is much better than it was ten or even five years ago.

What's also scary is talking about some of this so publicly. Part of me wonders if hardly anyone even reads this blog, so it really does just feel like a journal. Other parts I remember many years ago I was a bit more open on Facebook after first getting diagnosed, only to have people later weaponize my own mental health and vulnerability against me. So for a long time I didn't discuss it at all. But as I got further along in my journey and discovered art, I realized the problem is with those folks, not with me.

Anyone who takes your own vulnlerabilty and mental health and uses it against you is usually masking their own issues. So now I just block those people out of my life and move on. You will always have someone who takes a mental snapshot of you when you were at your worst and will use it against you years and years later no matter how much you've grown or changed. To them you are always that person from that one moment in time, but that moment is not you or your story.

Your story is still being written and you are the writer. That's the most important thing to remember. We can't change the past, but we can learn and grow from it. Just by doing that you are light years ahead of anyone else. Its work, a lot of work and sometimes scary and troubling work. But the end result is well worth it. YOU are well worth it.

One last thing I want to touch on is therapy. A lot of people say go to therapy as if it is a magic bullet. It is great, I love my therapist and no telling where I'd be without him. But finding a therapist can be hard, very hard. Finding a good one is even harder. You need other layers. Therapy has helped yes, but so has art, so has journaling and so has my spiritual path. I discovered paganism through all of this and it has helped me incredibly. Whatver paths light you way, find it and go with it. But also find things to compliment therapy. Your therapist isn't always going to be there looking over your shoulder, so you need daily things to keep you grounded. Its not the same for everyone, so find those things and make them apart of your daily life.

I hope this has been helpful for someone. It's been very cathartic for me. Thank you all for reading. I love you all. Be safe and go in peace until next time.