In the Haze: Learning to Move Slowly

If you've followed this page for any time you'll know I try to post almost daily. I know that seems like a lot, but I have a lot on my mind and can type fast, so I feel its mostly doable. You'll also know I'm currently tapering off some medications as I talk about Here. Some days are better than others, and today I was having a bit of an off day.

I don't feel terrible, just very tired and very slow. I know part of it may be due to my busy weekend at various Taylor Swift festivities for her new album release. For an old man like me, that's a lot of activity.

So, today I wanted to be productive, but not push myself too hard. I took a couple naps, but I hate wasting the day like that. One thing that doesn't help is that its so hot here. I live in San Antonio, and its been in the 90s or more for months. Here we are a week into October, and it doesn't feel remotely like fall or Halloween which I love. Its really hard to get into spooky season when its so miserable out.

It's times like this I try to ground myself with meditation. I'm not super big into crystals, but I do like them. Though I currently wear a fossizlized shark tooth pendant, I have thought about trading it out for an opal pendant if I can find a nice one. Opal helps with meditation and creative energy. I love the shark tooth, but I like to rotate them out at times.

So, even without an opal, I would spend the day trying to meditate and ground myself. I also want to interject here I was pretty down and frustrated yesterday. Partly because I was tired, but also my blog which I really poured my heart into hardly got any views at all. I realize Sundays are hit or miss, but that doesn't make it sting any less. So I had to contemplate is this blog worth continuing if no one is reading it.

Yes, its very much like a journal for me, but I also want others to benefit from it. I committed when I picked this page back up is that my posts wouldn't just be sanitized and broad, but real and raw. Some people appreciate that, but seems for wide appeal glossy and sensational is preferred.

The only thing sensational about me is some of my previous epic collapses. Maybe a close second is my oversharing. I know I see a lot of "gurus" in the wellness, spiritual and mental health spaces who use a lot of nice words and act as if they have all the answers. I don't have many answers, but I do have a lot of experiences. I prefer to share my experiences, my wins and losses and go over what worked and what didn't work. Maybe someone can learn from my experience and have an easier time.

I just realized I'm about midway through this blog and I'm blogging about blogging. I'm not sure what that is called of if anyone cares, but I'm just kind of writing what is on my mind today. My thoughts aren't as linear some days and it just kind of spills out.

On slow days like today, when my brain isn't firing on all cylinder's, part of me just wants to take the day off. But then, the other part of my brain wants to push back against my own stillness. The push to be creative, write something, draw something, create something memorable and meaningful. Except not every post is a banger.

I know a big push for me to create comes from external sources and algorithms. While this blog isn't hosted on social media, I have to share it there to be seen. If I don't have something new to share some days, I risk being pushed down in the algorithm and being less visible than I already am. Its a grind sometimes, trying to get the motivation to write, figure out what to write about and then how to expand on it and flesh it out.

Then I started to think, maybe the haze wasn't something to fight through, but something to move with. Last few days I wrote pretty in depth and pointed blogs on different topics, breaking them down point by point.

Maybe not every blog needs to read like a research paper. Maybe I can just roll with the fog and stillness, and in much the same way I draw just let my internal monologue do the writing. Instead of thinking real heavily on a detailed topic and talking points, I just let my fingers move across the keyboard and let the words flow as they may. This way feels more natural, less forced and less strain on my head.

It's like writing in a dreamlike state, recalling words and thoughts I forgot I'd had and putting them on "paper" or the screen I guess. Which leads me to another random thought. I've had over 100 blogs or essays on this page. Yet none of it is tangible. It only exists in digital space. So, is it even real? If something happened to me tomorrow, would these words live on in some way? Or as soon as my card for hosting got declines, the site would come down, and all my words and thoughts would vanish like a fart in an empty movie theater.

I'm not sure how that makes me feel or what, if anything I should do about that. Something to ponder for another time. I know I'm in my fifties, but I like to think I'll be around for a long time. Maybe one day I'll put this collection of blogs and essays into a book wtih my art. Not sure anyone would want it, but at least it would be something tangible to show for the work and thoughts I've put into this.

One thing I realized in this exercise is that creativity isn't always a lightning bolt. Sometimes its just a slow, quiet drip that you don't even notice at first until it starts to build up. Then you see you've got something to work with. Maybe its a fleeting though, or a color that catches your eye. It could be a sentence that didn't exist before. The hae has its own rhythm if I stop trying to out run it.

I’m building a small community here of people who care about art, healing, and real conversations around mental health. If that speaks to you, becoming a paid subscriber is a way to help sustain it.