Fighting My Own Toxic Positivity

I always try to be as real as possible on my mental health journey. Sometimes I catch myself feeding into some not so healthy things. I started on this journey about 5 or 6 years ago. I won't go into gory details other than I had a bad mental health breakdown.

I had some bad behavior and other manic craziness that cost me a lot of friendships and almost blew up my family. It wasn't good. I got off the internet for several months and got into therapy. Shortly after I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (years later I'm also on the autistic spectrum) and we got me started on medications.

I shortly after started down a spiritual path. I had been a staunch atheist for years, although a very angry one. I had gotten into tarot reading and various forms of witchcraft and paganism. I'm not going to go step by step through that journey as its a lot. But in the witchy/new agey communities there is a lot of "good vibes only" toxic positivity and I think over the years some of that has seeped into my psyche.

Its weird because I used to be very cynical and almost nihilistic, maybe that's why my mental health took a nosedive because I was just swirling around in this dark mental vacuum where nothing mattered. Truth is a lot of things and people matter.

But recently I catch myself (I never impose this shit on others, just myself.) withdrawing from conversations or not talking about my own experiences because they are too dark and too real or talking about loved ones who passed out of fear of upsetting people around me. I never got along with my older brother who was rather abusive with me growing up. He passed away a few years ago and I relent on talking about him because I know so many people who are close with their siblings.

So, I find myself making myself smaller or stuffing my own grief and pain just to satisfy others. This isn't healthy or good. Truth is as one friend recently pointed out, no one should be upset by me expressing these things. They are normal human experiences and human emotions. People who think I shouldn't talk about such things are either toxic themselves or who knows what they have going on. We all have shit to unpack. Pretending everything is always great isn't healthy for anyone and won't break any stigmas.

Even though my mental health has been "stable" for several years, I still have days I struggle and am down, or feeling like crap or just struggling with racing thoughts and mania. Its a constant fight and I have to always stay on top of how I'm feeling and question how I'm feeling to make sure I never spiral again.

Despite what a lot of social media and movies would lead us to believe, mental health and wellness isn't a final destination. Its a constant journey with breaks, stops, obstacles and all out ten foot walls. The key is to keep going and plowing forward no matter what life throws in front of you. Its not easy, its really hard and some days feels insurmountable. It's ok to take those days to just let yourself be a mess and check out from things for a bit to regroup. As long as you push forward. Even if you have to have some help, which we all do at times.

Even being stable I still see my therapist all the time because its like an accountability and check in to keep things on track. I know not everyone has access to therapy and some therapists are just awful, but I suggest finding some kind of resource you can talk to to help. I'm not going to lie, the US mental health system sucks and our leaders are bent on making it worse. There is no easy way around it and I know some people have a terrible time getting the most basic care. I don't have all the answers or any profound thoughts on what everyone can do. I know I'm fortunate to have a good support system and doctor who keep me balanced.

I kind of got off track here, but it also felt good to let some of this shit out. I don't have anything else to add, this ended up being longer than I thought it would be. So just some thoughts for everyone today. I pledge to work on being more real with myself and with you guys. I'll do my best going forward.