Coping with Chaos

When I started this blog, I told myself I wasn't going to dive into politics. Except as I watch this week unfold, I realize art is political. This isn't going to be me ranting about my opinions or about the awful things Trump has done this week. There is plenty of that out there. My blog focusing on mental health, that is what I'm going to talk about today.

A day after the election, I told myself I was done with news and done with paying attention to current events. It was all too stressful and all too frustrating when it seems like no one actually cares. Hell, I still feel that way at times. As things get crazier I try to think of different things I can do.

For one, I ended up turning the news back on. Something I said I WOULD'NT do, but here I am torturing myself. But the barrage of news on social media wasn't much different so may as well just watch it real time. Today, I tried to call Senator John Cornyn at his Washington and San Antonio office, but it went straight to voicemail on both lines. I didn't bother calling Ted Cruz or my Congressman Henry Cuellar. Here in Texas, our choice among lawmakers to contact is usually awful and bottom of the dungheap.

I do have this blog, its not much but its a voice. One I can use. So when things get crazy like the world is right now, what do we do? Well, I may feel kind of re-energized because this weekend I had an unrelated mental health breakdown and unplugged completely from social media for a few days.

That time away, while not a lot it was enough to make me feel somewhat recharged. So if you need to unplug  or disconnect for a short time or a long time, go ahead and do so. Your well being should come first and foremost and don't let anyone bully you into some form of online activism that will only make you unwell.

My focus going forward on any kind of involvement will be on the local level, city and county. I phone banked for the Harris campaign, text banked and donated and none of that was enough. After taking some time away, I realized that local things affect us more immediately than national in a lot of cases. Plus, the right wing has spent decades cementing local and state governments in their favor before they took the current wins in the White House. So, my focus will be on my city and our community.

I'm not sure what that looks like yet. Not marching, I'm too old and out of shape to March. So I'm trying to find things I can do. I know this blog isn't a lot but its my little corner of resistance for now until I can find something tangible to help with. Suffering from bipolar makes it harder, because I have social anxiety and lots of other anxieties, but I'm striving to overcome those a little at  a time. I know I was in the Marines when I was 18, but now at 51 I find I cry rather easily. So, I have to pace what I take on and take in.

That is the key through all of this. Once again, don't let anyone guilt or shame you into action you're not comfortable with or that puts you at risk. Guard your mental health. If that means answering the phone at a community center, or passing out fliers or whatever that is, feel good knowing you are doing SOMETHING. Not everything has to be a big grandiose gesture.

There are a lot of things that are performative or that people will call performative. I think as long as a person is genuine in their intentions is what matters. Once again, we can't all be on the front lines, we can't all run for office or march or work within the system. The key is each of us finding little ways to stand our ground, just enough to be a thorn in the side to the system.

I know that doesn't sound fun or sexy, but none of this is. I'm not sure how much good this blog actually does, but it helps me unpack all of the madness in my head and in the world, and I hope in the process it helps someone else. Part of me feels my own guilt that I can't do more, but my current situation and health I just kind of am where I am. But I'm keeping my eyes open for more local opportunities in my wheelhouse.

So, I guess that is the key in all this. Whatever it is you can do, and it doesn't have to be all at once, just do what you can, when you can. Pace yourself. Disconnect as necessary and recharge. Taking care of yourself this next for years should be a full time job for all of us. If we are nervous wrecks, we aren't of any use to anyone. Sure, others may have other expectations of us, but they are not in your shoes.

When I was younger, I spent four years in the Marines, I worked for the Sheriff's department for six years, I was a nurses aide for two years then spent six years working as a tech in a psychiatric center with troubled youth. That's not counting the volunteer stuff I'd do back then. I was also going to school part time. I feel like part of why I'm such a recluse now is because I just went too hard for too long when I was younger and something broke.

That can happen to any of us, its already happened to a lot of us over the last ten years. So don't break yourself. And don't beat yourself up. We are not individually responsible for all of this, so trying to save the world in one swoop is only going to exhaust and frustrate you. Take deep breaths, take breaks doing things you enjoy, and live to fight another day.